When Life Becomes Real

                           

     
     One of the many moods of grief is a kind of numbness, a pain so deep and pervasive that nothing seems to be able to ripple its surface. This perhaps is a benign form of anesthesia, giving our senses time to rest a bit before we reenter the whirlpool of torn lives, of shattered dreams, of anguished tears.

     As will all other moods of grief, it will pass. To know this is just a stoic acceptance of what it is. It is to be reminded that there are seasons of grieving -- and like the plunge into frost after a balmy day of spring, or like an Indian summer, these mini-seasons are not predictable. But they will pass, and they have their own inner logic. Sometimes the best we can do is say, "Okay, That's how it is today. What can I do that is most compatible with this mood?" Then, we go on about whatever business (or lack of) that the day calls forth. As for tomorrow, who knows? But do not worry about tomorrow because it has enough worry of its own (Matthew 6:34).

     Unless you bind it to you, hopelessness does not last forever. 

     

Latency

J. N. Cloutier

A forgotten slate:

Thin, empty, cold.

A fallen oak:

Exhausted and hollow.

A blade of grass:

Young and alive.

A laughing stream:

So much to offer life.

A tree trunk that has been struck

By a bolt of lightning.

A single flower:

Beautiful, fragile, frightened.

A piece of glass:

Broken, left behind.

A small girl:

Shown how to live and now to die.

(I know that the word "latency" normally refers to computing, but I decided to give it a new meaning)

     "Every bone in my body aches individually with a dragging weariness of pain, and the joints cry aloud for a warm balm; honeyed oil to be poured, engulfing me... I want anything that is able to transform me, to make me different, to forget myself even for a second." -- Caitlin Thomas

     Sound familiar? If we could just forget about this terrible loss for a little while... But when we do forget, in sleep or some other diversion, the return is so painful that the temporary reprieve is hardly worth it. What are we to do? Be careful, careful not to do something destructive of ourselves. Then, bear the suffering, offer it up to Christ through Mary for the one(s) you have lost. 

     Let Christ use you as an instrument. Let Him bless others through your suffering. Recently, I attended a Marianist Family Retreat; while there, my very close friend died of terminal cancer. A few people came up to me, knowing a loved one died, and said I am an inspiration for them because of the way I kept smiling, kept my head held high and praised God through it all. Through our suffering, we can glorify God. Another dear friend of mine told me that suffering brings us closer to Christ and others. This is true (if we allow it). However, if we shut people out and try to make it on our own- we will find that we are worse off than before. 

     When my brother died I was angry, confused, broken, and I shunned God. I did not let Him into my heart for quite some time. Later on, I realized that I needed Him and He welcomed me once again into His loving embrace. Now that my friend has died, I cling to Christ even more. I cannot survive without Him because He is my lifeline, my oxygen, my reason to live. At first, I thought "I have lost my friend." Now, I think "I have not lost him; I have him still because death is the permanent ending of vital processes in cell or tissue. Death is not the destruction of the soul. He still exists; he will forever be present in my heart, in the place that I never knew was empty until he filled it." 

     

Together, we had carved our initials on a fallen tree when he was over at my house. I still wear our friendship bracelet; for me, it is a reminder that no matter what I do, where I go, what I say or hear...
I will always be his friend and he will always be my pequeño punk (an inside joke of ours).

Untitled

J. N. Cloutier

Waiting-

Waiting patiently

Like an empty park bench.

Wanting-

Wanting their presence

But it cannot be quenched.

Wishing-

Wishing for the gap

To minimize and close.

Wondering-

Wondering if they think of you

Possibly, you suppose.

Whispering-

Whispering secrets

About joy and pain.

Wandering-

Wandering together

So many things to gain.

Writing-

Writing the stories

Of adventures shared.

Weighing-

Weighing down the heart

Because of burdens beared.

Watching-

Watching closely

The time now left is short.

Wrapping-

Wrapping them in your arms

Because of the doctor's report.

Weeping-

Weeping softly.

So no one else will hear.

Wrestling-

Wrestling with emotions

To you, he is so dear.

Walking-

Walking slowly

Praying for things to brighten.

Willing-

Willing to be strong

And keep your eyes on the horizon.

(for the friend who never failed to show me hope and joy are real)

We must be like a frog:

   F ully

  R ely

O n

  G od

Omnia Majoram ad Dei Glorium