Hold Your Temper Or Go Ahead and Tamper?

Imagine working these hours with the sun reveling in the sweat and exhaustion it caused you:

Wed.  = 1:00 pm - 8:00 or 9:00 pm
Thurs. = 8:00am - 9:00pm
Fri. = 7:30am - 9:00-9:00pm
Sat. = 8:00am - 10:00pm
Sun. = 7:30am - 2:00pm
(Don't worry. You'll get lunch breaks).

      My back ached, my knees hurt, and my neck was sore. My nails, once long and painted, were now broken and brown dirt took refuge under them. I was working to ready my brother's house so it could be sold. In most of these hours, the sun beat down on me. It told me of its incredible heat. In the beginning, there was no shade. As time went on, though, my brother brought me an umbrella to hide under. He would continuously tell me to take a break. Sometimes I took him up on the offer; other times, I did not. Self-discipline was required for this. A lot of it.

     Saint Paul writes, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23)

     What is self-discipline? It is the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses. It is the ability to pursue what one believes is right despite the temptation to abandon it. Self-control is the foundation of discipline and a prerequisite for character, integrity, happiness, love, and dynamic relationships.

     Sadly, we humans have insatiable appetites for instant gratification which tends to lead us farther and farther away from character, virtue, integrity, wholeness, and our authentic selves. Coupled with our untamed affinity with instant gratification is our mistaken notion that freedom is the right to do whatever we want. No. It is the freedom to do what is right because we do not always want what is right. Self-control is a gift we give ourselves. We are not born with it but acquire it.

     Do we really believe that a life without structure or discipline will yield the happiness we desire? How successful would you be if you did whatever you wanted whenever you wanted to? What sort of financial shape would you be in if you bought whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it? How satisfied with your health/weight would you be if you ate whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it? How healthy would your relationships be if did what you felt like doing when you felt like doing it?

     Health, wealth, careers, organizations, relationships etc. - all require self-discipline. It is important to remember that the Pharisees did have self-discipline, however, self-discipline without the fruits of the spirit will become an obstacle to the happiness God desires for us. It is scary to realize that when we are not self-disciplined- we tamper with the happiness God desires for us and for others, too.

     A life without self-discipline does not lead to happiness- it leads to ruin. Every area of your life- physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, professional, and financial- benefits from self-discipline. We cannot allow instant gratification to guide and direct every decision. We need to move beyond the notion that discipline is someone else telling us what to do. We need to celebrate what self-discipline does for us: it liberates us. Discipline makes us free; it does not stifle us. Discipline is a contraction that produces an expansion. Instead of being controlled by our feelings, passions, and desires- we control them. By doing so, we break the chains that bind us.

     How much self-discipline is enough? The answer depends on how happy you want to be, and how long you want it to last.

     Well, is it that we are gullible to believe in instant gratification? No. I believe it is because we are desperate. The common lie is that you can be happy without discipline. It takes a lot of self-discipline to be aware and responsive to the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs of another person.

     To go back to where I said that we acquire self-control... Have you ever heard someone say "Oh, don't mind him/her! He/she just has a short fuse!" This usually comes after a tantrum or outburst of some kind. It is offered as if having a bad temper is some type of genetically inalterable state. Why is it that some people fly off the hook at the smallest things while others seem to possess the patience of Job?

   Technology is helping us do things faster and faster, but they never seem to be fast enough. Is it that? Or is it that our fuses are not long enough? A short fuse is chosen. It is a habit that can be broken and changed. We can choose if we are going to throw a fit or be patient and listen. Anger is a natural and normal part of our human makeup. There are times when anger should be expressed powerfully. But they are rare. Like any passion, for anger to be useful it has to be harnessed, controlled, and directed at will.

     We do not have bad tempers; we have badly trained tempers. There is a moment of decision between when something upsets us and our reaction to it. At that moment we decide how we will react, whether or not we are aware that we are making the decision. With practice, we can increase our awareness of that moment and start to draw it out by conscious effort. By doing so, we allow ourselves to make an intelligent decision about the appropriate response.

     Matthew Kelly has seven brothers. While growing up, (spoiler alert) they would get into a ton of trouble. Having sent them to the laundry room, their mother would make a pot of coffee and slooooowlllly drink it at the table. Later on, he asked her why. She told him that she never wanted to spank them out of anger, but out of love.

     The body is amazing and wonderful but left to its own instincts and devices, it will tend toward self-destruction of a million excesses and unbridled lusts. That is why we have will and intellect, consciousness, and the ability to make choices so we can direct the body toward what is good for it. But that is not exactly how it works every day, is it? Why not? Because the body has a voice. The body talks to us, screams at us, throws internal temper tantrums, and makes unending lists of requests and demands. We have the ability to ignore this voice, but too often we just do exactly what it tells us to.

(Side note: My challenge for you is to sit still for 10 minutes every day (you can increase this slowly by 5 or 10 mins) and DO NOT itch, scratch, move etc until the time is up. This will train your body to submit to yourself, instead of controlling you).

     We must master self-discipline. Mastery of self and happiness are intimately connected. To the extent that you have these things, you will be able to love and be loved, for love is as if you could take yourself in your very hands and give it to another person. But to give yourself in this way- to love another fully, you must first possess yourself. Love is the desire to understand, so as to love even more.    

Questions: 

The great Spanish mystic and monk, St. John of the Cross, wrote, "A bird, whether tied down by a thread or a chain, still cannot fly." 

What is tying you down? What is it in your life that is stopping you from flying? What is the master of your life? What do you need to be liberated from? If you can, how can you change it? Moreover, do you want to do so?

Resolutions:

• I will celebrate my ability to control my temper by consciously expanding the moment that exists between an event and my reaction to it. When things do not go as I would like them to, I will pause before reacting, breathe deeply, remind myself that in the grand scheme of human history this is just one moment, and walk away, if necessary, from the situation to collect myself. If a situation genuinely requires that I unleash my temper, it will be a conscious choice and it will be done in a controlled way. I will become a master of my temper.
• I will begin to control and direct my appetites. I will not allow myself to be reduced to a mere animal, being ruled by instincts and conditional responses. I will celebrate my ability to choose which stimuli I respond to and which I ignore. I will direct my appetites toward those things that are good for me and genuinely help me become my best self. I will avoid putting anything that is poisonous or toxic into my body. I will become a master of my appetites.
• I will control my thoughts. Recognizing that my impulses do not always lead me to become a-better-version-of-myself, I will develop a healthy distrust of my impulses and begin to subject them to reason. Whether the impulse is to shop, eat, procrastinate, or agree to an event, I will pause before acting on that impulse. I will become a master of my impulses.
• I recognize that it is impossible for me to be perfectly myself unless I am free. I will engage the ancient and powerful practice of fasting, not to punish myself, but to liberate myself. (It is also VERY important to know that we must be self-disciplined by eating enough food to survive). I will begin to deny myself in small ways throughout the day, fasting from certain types of foods, certain activities, and certain behaviors. I will do these things and offer them up for someone in trouble to Mary's hands so she may give it to someone in need. This way, I will gain merit for my sacrifices. Over time, I will establish a complete and absolute self-mastery.
• From time to time I will allow myself to indulge in things that my appetite and impulses yearn for, but only in ways that do not compromise what I believe and do not harm myself or others. On these occasions I will exercise my ability to direct my appetites and impulses, allowing them what they yearn for rather than denying them. In each case, I will do so in such a way that does not compromise my self-mastery. Over time, I will learn to see both indulgence and self-denial as acts that foster the discipline that gives birth to enduring happiness. 

It is time we sought freedom from the tyrants within that tie us up and down, that stop us from flying and becoming perfectly ourselves. 

P.s. Sorry about the delay, guys! I was super busy...

Thanks to Matthew Kelly's book: Perfectly Yourself, I have constructed this post.