Things Inside My Heart...

My Muted Misery

Ah, bittersweet memories,

Alas! The years gone by!

Numbness is welcomed; pain is a friend.

I have cried all I could cry.

Empty, broken, dead inside.

A flower: wilted, dried.

A smell, a song, a certain voice-

All over again, I say goodbye.

Weathered and worn.

Stretched and torn.

At my limit- yea!

I cannot stop.

I cannot break.

Alas, I'm needed by they.

Dried eyed,

Live another day.

Time's passed; time's gone.

Move on: the only way.

Pain so deep,

Numbing within,

Squeezing out the life.

I walk on; there's no win.

Either way, it's strife.

Live without and just pretend,

Yet, it can be felt.

Live with it, always there.

Yea- Life's cards are still dealt.

Bittersweet memories,

Come calling again.

Ach! The years gone by.

A dried out well, a tree decaying from inside.

No one sees,

No one knows,

The things under my skin.

Masks, charades, costume parties.

Empty from within.

Whew. Okay. I can do this. After my brother died, I saw him everywhere. In the hallway, the stairway where he surprised us one Christmas, the table where we played ping-pong and cards (he cheated by looking in my mom's glasses lol), and the basketball hoop in the driveway of our old house. One time, we were playing and I was under the hoop; the ball whacked my head and he was so concerned if I was in pain or not. I remember him cradling my face, looking me in my eyes, and smiling his wonderful smile when I said "No, it didn't hurt. I'm fine now!" Wow. I really miss him. I'm getting all teary-eyed. Hold on.

The day after we found out he died, I scaled two stories high on the building we were staying in. I did it in honor/memory of him. He would have done something like that. Over the years, I have cried many tears. Sometimes, I welcome the numbness. Other times, I feel like pain has befriended me; we know each other well. I began to feel aged beyond my years. I felt like a thirty-year-old in a ten-year-old's body. When my family and I went to bury his ashes in Montana, we ate at a restaurant. My older sisters and I needed to go to the restroom so we stood up and headed that way. In a small room, off in the corner... 

Oh, man. This is hard. 

...we saw someone that looked like him or his twin brother Sebastian. He was gazing lovingly at his daughter in a car seat next to his table. It was all I could do to tear my gaze away from him. I firmly decided I would go up to him after I came out of the restroom. When we got out of the restroom, he was gone. 

Just this morning, Macrina (my sister) ran up to me and said, "Mom got the clothing totes down from the attic! I have some of your old clothes! Can I show you them?" I went with her. The second to last piece of clothing was the shirt I wore when I last saw my brother alive. It was a light and dark blue long sleeve, with a hood attached to it. Of course, this brought a rush of memories. I wonder what it will feel like to see her wearing it...

The last line of the poem- It has a lot of meaning in it. I have learned how to hide my pain from those around me, including family and friends. It is not good to stuff my feelings. As my amazing friend told me when I was helping out on a Totus Tuus retreat, "I suggest you cry it out." (#youknowwhoyouare,right?) I did so; I felt a lot better. If you are reading this now, thank you!

When this person told me this, I was surprised that they could see through my "mask." I was scared but relieved, thinking "Finally!" I'm blessed to know this person! Find one like this one! Everyone needs somebody!

I wrote this letter on 10/31/17:

     I wish I had a rewind button. If I did, I would go back to the time when I last saw my brother alive. I would tell him that he means so much to me, that I would die for him. If I did- maybe right now I wouldn't feel so guilty. Guilty for living. Guilty for enjoying myself. I would tell him that he possessed courage, kindness, gentleness, stubbornness, strength (inner and outer), patience, and self-control. I would tell him that he blessed us with the gift of his contagious laughter. I would tell him he was the funniest guy I know/knew. I wish I was with him sooner so I could have loved him longer. I wish we went to visit him sooner. We would have been able to hug him, see him, hear his contagious laugh, see his beautiful "take on the world" smile, and say "I love you,  Ben" one more time.

     It has been five years so far. I miss you. I wish you were here with me. You were ecstatic when you found out Kat was pregnant. You wanted to be called "Crazy Uncle Ben." Boy, were you crazy! I remember how you would lift me up into your big, strong arms, and wrap me in a bear hug. Yet, those same bears you imitated, killed you, mauled you to death. They had no care that you had a family, were going to come home for Christmas. No care that you wanted to go back to school, no care about the broken, torn, heart-sick, you-deprived loved ones that you would leave behind. They did not give you a chance to turn back to God. Can God calm the waves, but not the beasts of the earth? Your wings were ready, but my heart was not. Bernadette was only almost two; Macrina was four. I? I was nine, wanting to see you when I was "double digits." You died too soon. I feel selfish for thinking that. I'm sorry for not thinking of you every day! I vowed I would; I've failed you. I'm sorry for all the things I did to hurt you. I was impatient, rude, mean, and teased you. 

     You were such a forgiving person, I know. One time, you literally gave the shirt off your back to someone! I love you for that. And other things. You were amazing! I'm proud of you, proud to call you my brother. Do you know that? Are you...proud...of me? I'm such a failure! Sometimes I feel like if I try- it only leaves me weaker, not stronger! I know I can and have succeeded in some things. I need to try harder though. I feel like such a disappointment! Did you ever feel that way? I'm thankful for the nine years I did have with you. 

     You know my friend? Yeah, that one. Well, he may die soon. I feel selfish, but I have lost so much! Would I be able to cope? If it's not too much to ask, could you meet him at the Gates? Tell him you're my brother (I told him about you). Show him around, will ya? If he does go, tell him he was a great friend. He doesn't care much for me right now, but could ya tell him that? Thank you. And tell him I would've given my arm for him. Unfortunately, that's not what he needs. Hey, while I'm at it, help my other friend. He wants a good friend, I can tell. Plead to God on his behalf, and ask Him to send someone who will become his best friend. 

You were the best 24-yr-old brother EVER! Ah, to have had five more minutes...

LoveForever, Pebbles (lil sis)

It's been really hard moving on. People say it gets better, easier. They are wrong, at least in my case. It doesn't. I cannot describe what happens, but it gets... I don't know. Some days, I feel so much pain. Other days, I feel numb, like in my poem. Some days, I feel like he's been gone for more than six years. Other days... it feels like I just heard the news. And other days, I don't remember until something brings it all crashing down again. Things like: the smell of his cologne, pictures, a song, a voice, and even a word.

There. I've got it. It does not get easier. It becomes your new reality.